December 2004 - #2. Chariot Roads and the Quality of Life.

Vermont Bar Journal

2004.

December 2004 - #2.

Chariot Roads and the Quality of Life

Vermont Bar Journal - December 2004

Chariot Roads and the Quality of Life

Bart Elby, Esq.

I had it pretty good for awhile, enjoying the quality of life in my small rural practice home office. I gave away most of my legal services. I served on local boards and in charitable organizations. I didn't make a dime. Nobody cared, and I didn't care that nobody cared, because I had quality of life.

Then things took a turn for the worse. I woke up one morning and got ready to let my dog out the back of my house, and I was shocked to see what I saw. There were three guys in my dooryard standing near a four-wheeler. One guy had a sledgehammer. One guy had a chain saw. And the other guy had a bullhorn.

That wasn't so shocking, 'cause lots of guys have bullhorns. But when the guy with the sledge started banging on my house with it, and the guy with the chainsaw was cutting down my side porch, I figured I needed to do something. So I set my dog loose on the guy with the bullhorn. Unfortunately, bullhorn guy came prepared. He stuck a spoon full of peanut butter in the dog's pie hole - he was obviously an experienced revenuer - so my dog spent the next hour lickin' his nose.

I guessed that I needed to shoot them or talk to them. So I went over to talk to them, 'cause I didn't figure that my malpractice insurance would cover me if I intentionally winged 'em.

Bullhorn guy told me not to come any closer.

I stepped back and asked him if he was gonna stick some of that peanut butter in my mouth.

He then told me that he and the boys were from the Town, and they were gonna ". . . reclaim for Caesar what was properly Caesar's," and that they were ". . . pretty damned sure that the Town had the right to an ancient chariot road . . . " located right on my property.

At first I actually thought that the prospect was pretty sweet. I imagined the possibilities with all that road traffic . . . Vermont maple syrup and slip and fall consultations in the spring . . . divorce, corn, and used car parts in the summer . . . pumpkins and powers of attorney in fall. I had always thought that a law firm with a drive-thru window was the way of the future. I would be well off. I could winter in the South - somewhere like Bennington.

But even with all the upsides I was pretty...