Dating has become outdated.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores T.
• Position: MODERN SOCIETY - Column

I AM GOING TO PULL RANK and assert that, with more than 25 years of marriage and 13 letters of alphabet soup of credentials after my name, I have a little basis for my assertions. From where I see it, most people have dating all wrong. Conversely, perhaps they do not: if your objective in dating is hooking up, and you see marriage as some separate process, then it is not dating that is a mess. It is, rather, the separation of dating from marriage and the nearly universal loss of the notion of courtship.

I could write a book on this, and perhaps someday will. In the meantime, here are some salient points, from a therapist's perspective, on what goes awry on the way to the altar.

Dating has segued from screening to hooking up. For its limited history of only a handful of generations, dating was a means of screening potential mates. Is he respectful? Does she laugh at your jokes? Is he nice to his mother? Is he nice to your mother'? Is hers the smile you would like to see after a long day in the fields or factory? Whether age 16 or 36, this was the purpose of dating. It was a serious matter of determining the kind of man or woman who would be an appropriate mate for life. Of course, it would be fun, too. Any time good-hearted young people are gathered, whether it's com-husking or a Habitat for Humanity project or a football game, it ought to be fun. The trouble arose when the notion of fun became the primary driver and that of screening potential mates faded far into the background.

To young--and not-so-young--individuals who are "hooking up" and using one another as recreational devices rather than as people, dating sounds quaint and courtship antiquated.

People in it for fun are not having the right conversations. Courtship has a bad name. 1 am not sure why. Our courtship, 26 years ago, revolved long conversations into the night over coffee and chocolate. We ranged from history, art, music, and social issues of the day to the essential examination and reflection on our respective beliefs, goals, and desired lifestyles. How would our pasts influence our planned, shared furore? How will we negotiate the small differences of every day? What do our beliefs, preferences, and habits say about our character? How might that play out in the decades ahead?

When I ask engaged couples referred for premarital counseling, or married couples having difficulties, what is good about the relationship, here is what I nearly always hear: "We love each other."...