D.C. Valentines.

• Author: Lynch, Michael W.
• Position: Humor

In which our man in Washington gets lectured on chastity, talks morality with Newt, and watches wannabe pols woo big money donors.

Date: 2/11/2000 11:45 AM

From: mlynch@reasondc.org

Subject: Cocktail Chat

It was a parody of a politician's remarks at a cocktail reception, according to an eyewitness. My source, who craves and deserves anonymity, witnessed 20 minutes of inspired gibberish courtesy of the House majority leader, Rep. Dick Armey (R-Texas), at a cocktail reception for Star Parker's Coalition for Urban Renewal and Education.

Armey quoted the Old Testament and spoke of the joys of fatherhood and welfare reform. He paused to check his zipper. At one point he spoke of "Willie" and asked the mostly black crowd, "You guys know who Willie Nelson is, don't you?" before explaining, "He's big in Texas." Armey was met with quizzical stares.

And then there was Armey's necessary but uncomfortable segue into praising Newt Gingrich, the evening's keynoter. Armey was rambling about how it is hard in Washington to find models of personal integrity and family values and then, without hesitation, he said he would like to introduce Newt Gingrich. "I think the term 'moral conduct' was in there," says National Review's Ramesh Ponnuru (not my source, incidentally), who started edging to the bar during Armey's remarks. "If you didn't know that Dick Armey lacks guile, you would have thought it was an elaborate put-down of the former speaker."

To his credit, the recently divorced Newt was attending the event with two boy lackeys, and not the thirty-something staffer he boffed all those years while he was restoring moral values to this great nation.

But I missed all of that: I was attending a party in celebration of REASON contributor Jonathan Rauch's latest book, Government's End: Why Washington Stopped Working. Indeed, I arrived just after Armey left. "You missed a great Armey speech," one of his aides told me as I entered the Washington Court Hotel.

Date: 2/14/2000 3:57 PM

From: mlynch@reasondc.org

Subject: Funny Valentine from the Chastity Revolution

"It appalls me," testified Phil Sapienza, a Maryland community college student standing behind a podium in National Press Club's Murrow Room. Sapienza looked very much the urban hipster: both ears pierced, close-cropped hair, and black bowling shirt. Phil, along with three other continent students, was ringing in National Chastity Week on the first Valentine's Day of the new millennium (or the last of the...