Cruelty-free offspring: ways not to raise a bully: no parent wants his or her child to be bullied, but what if your kid is the one pushing others around?

• Author: Seller, Warren B., Jr.
• Position: Sociology

WHEN THE NEWS broke about 15-year-old Phoebe Prince hanging herself after being mercilessly bullied by her peers--online and in person--parents everywhere were saddened and horrified. What makes kids so mean? Are my children capable of bullying anyone--and then facing criminal charges like those nine Massachusetts teenagers? Do they stand back and watch when others are bullied? What can I do to make sure they are never involved in such cruelty--even peripherally?

These are tough questions. Bullying is a complex issue, and no one knows exactly what makes some kids want to torment others, but parents do have a huge influence on their children's moral development--and they can take the kinds of actions that are shown to help kids grow into compassionate, confident adults. Think of it as the "best odds" approach to bully prevention. You cannot control what your kids do when they are away from you, but you can equip them with the skills they need to interact with others in a kind and caring way. You can teach them what to do when they see others being bullied or shunned. Having those skills makes all the difference.

Parent your children; do not just provide for them. Whether consciously or unconsciously, many of us operate under the belief that giving our kids the best clothing and sending them to the best schools fundamentally will influence who they grow up to be. Naturally, you should want the best for your offspring; however--and this is a big however--you should not confuse providing with parenting. Children do not just need things. They need parents. Once you become a parent, your job--24/7--becomes raising your child. Your friends, hobbies, vacations, and, even to some extent, your career, all come second.

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Children model good behavior. Here is the number-one role of good parenting: your kids will do what they see you doing. You do not live in a vacuum, and your children always are watching you. They see how you react to situations that are negative or stressful, and you can bet that they are filing those observations away. So, before you take them to task for rude or inconsiderate behavior, take an honest look at yourself first.

The "do as I say, not as I do" parenting strategy rarely leads to long-term success. Whether you are resolving a dispute with your child's teacher, dealing with a rode salesperson, or receiving a traffic ticket for speeding, take your pride out of the equation. Admit it when you are wrong...