Crazy Ivan's atomic closeout.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Political satire

Of course rightwing talk-show hosts aren't responsible for the hatefilled rightwing militia groups burgeoning in this country. It's those damn feminazis who are to blame. Sure, think about it, if it weren't for their outrageous socialistic demands for so-called equal rights, our patriotic paramilitary groups could concentrate on targeting the real number-one threat to democracy as we know it: fluoride.

Our loyal talk-show hosts are focusing national dissatisfaction on the true betrayers of the American Way: those who would provide the opportunity to succeed to everybody, even obviously unworthy infidels who worship weird pagan gods. Heroes like Rush and G. Gordon and Mark from Michigan should be given the Medal of Freedom, not subject to attacks from fellow travelers like those Pinko Clintons. But until our priorities are transferred from our supposedly elected "leaders" to our brave A.M. Freedom Fighters, this country is doomed to wallow in swamps of pseudo justice.

I can't believe the militias are afraid the U.N. is going to invade America. Hell, the U.N. couldn't organize a bridal shower.

* San Francisco, California, where Pete Wilson is running for President, so he can do for the country what he's done for the state: drive us into an economic hole, making us less attractive as an immigration destination, thereby raising the quality of life for those of us still stuck here.

They caught another nut case trying to pierce White House security. Fortunately, they were able to detain Jesse Helms at the West Gate. Just kidding. Talking about an entirely different flippo unit altogether. Some guy jumped the south fence and ran screaming towards the First Residence. It's getting so bad, the homeless in Lafayette Park are complaining the White House is starting to bring down neighborhood property values. Clinton has been shot at more often than a Bosnian Mosque. His staff might want to consider changing the official colors of his reelection campaign from red, white, and blue to camouflage green. Finally, they closed off Pennsylvania Avenue to vehicular traffic. It's a sad reflection on our society that we have to put a Club[TM] on the front gate of the President's home.

I don't know why they're shooting at Clinton; they're never going to hit him. He never assumes a single position long enough to get a bead on him.

* San Francisco, where the mayor's Matrix program calls for panhandlers to be fined for aggressive begging, which simply proves that in...