Cracking the code.

• Author: Wacker, Eileen
• Position: Life in America - Motherhood

"We need a mom's code in our world [to] celebrate honest friendships and decry the soul-crushing nonsense that leaves a mother isolated, disillusioned, or sad."

YES, IT IS some two months removed, but I am still recovering from the holidays. It is the most wonderful time of the year. Yet, it is not. It is chaotic, filled with multiple dreaded Secret Santa events for every child, appreciating everyone, end-of-school parties, exasperating parents who tape the entire choir performances, and packing ski clothes for four kids who are still growing. Since we live in Hawaii, we do not necessarily have pants, winter jackets, or covered shoes lying around and, as my little girl reminded me, "Clothes, especially sweaters, are not Christmas gifts."

I held my breath as the presents were opened--then exhaled, as everyone was happy and celebrating. I recorded the jubilation so I can remind myself of this perfect moment when the going gets tough, which usually is within an hour. I made it and everyone had pants for Christmas dinner.

Spring is right around the comer, yet, just like with the dawning of each new year, I keep reflecting about what it is to be a mom. We were watching a basketball game and an ad came on encouraging all of us to stand apart from the pack. My reflection-mode self said to the kids, "That's a good message. Be memorable and separate yourself." My son looked at me: "It's not a good message if you're a water buffalo. If a water buffalo gets separated from his herd, he gets eaten by a lion every time." I smiled because he was right; water buffaloes are better off staying with their pack. Like most things in life, it mainly is a matter of perspective and the situation.

It got me thinking about all the contradictions and ironies I face as a mom. I consider myself a balanced person, yet my life has no balance whatsoever. I believe in moderation, yet I live my life along the edges. I have so many problems, yet I really have none. I am a happy person, but I can get quite angry and yell. I am incredibly optimistic except when I am trapped in a worry spiral. I believe in the good of people and look for it, but find it hard to forgive any person, big or small, who wounds any of my four children (or my husband).

I am very organized except when I am forgetting everything. I went to a parent conference a day early, sent snack in to the wrong class party, and forgot where a child's tennis match was--all in one day.

I can endure incredible amounts...