Conflict Management: How Collaborative Divorce Skills Might Help

• Publication year: 2024
• Citation: Vol. 49 No. 1

Conflict Management: How Collaborative Divorce Skills Might Help Vol. 49 No. 1 Pg. 20 Vermont Bar Journal January 2024

by Nanci A. Smith, Esq.

Conflict exists. How we choose to approach and manage it is up to us. Collaborative Divorce provides some basic skills and attitudes to help us approach intense family conflict at the time of separation or divorce. This article discusses the nature of conflict from a Collaborative Divorce lawyer's perspective. It also demonstrates how the interdisciplinary collaborative team members help clients manage intense interpersonal conflict dynamics.

Collaborative Divorce is an option along the continuum of the four ways to divorce: kitchen table, mediation, Collaborative Divorce, and litigation. Collaborative Divorce is like mediation, on steroids. It is both a process and a mindset. It follows a scripted roadmap for managing interpersonal conflict while at the same time, moving a divorce process forward.

The clients agree in advance not to litigate, or even threaten to litigate. The expectation is that the couple will work to improve their communication, compassion, and empathy skills so that they do not hate each other for the rest of their lives, and at the same time, they will attend to the necessities of creating durable, final settlement agreements. The result is a wholly uncontested divorce. Clients and team members feel proud of the way we all managed the myriad emotions and conflicts that arise during any separation or divorce. We are often quite confident that the couple set the best example they could for their children, friends, and community about how to handle adversity and conflict with some degree of grace and dignity. In essence, how to be a family, in two homes.

According to thought-leaders in adult development, executive leadership, complexity theory, and organizational development, we live in a time of volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity. A divorce is just like that from the clients' perspective. These four words: "I want a divorce" lays down a gauntlet. It is often perceived by the recipient spouse as a threat to their identity and everything they hold dear. It often feels like a personal attack on who they are as a human being. It frequently brings up family of origin issues related to attachment, abandonment, self-esteem, and trauma. We should never underestimate the impact of rejection on the human spirit.^[1] Or, for that matter, the myriad ways trauma (personal, ancestral, and collective) shows up in interpersonal relationships and conflict.^[2] It is very difficult for clients to make rational decisions about their relationship with their spouse and children, as well as their future financial security when they are heartbroken and feeling attacked.

Divorce, like other stressful life events, triggers a common physiological reaction.

Evolution has given us our sympathetic nervous system to protect us from external threats.^[3] We are neurobiologically driven to fight or flee not only from attacks on our physical bodies, but also from perceived threats to our identities and to our core values. When we are triggered, it is as if our amygdala has been highjacked. We are flooded with cortisol and adrenaline that makes us ready to fight or run. We can't help that initial, involuntary response, but we can manage it, first for ourselves, and then for our clients. That is what our parasympathetic nervous system is designed to do-bring us back to rest. We can do this at any time, simply by taking a few deep breaths, or focusing on a soothing word or image. Then, we will be able to objectively analyze the circumstances and respond in an appropriate way. Feelings are not facts. A client may

feel threatened, but there is no threat, just an assertion of a preference, for example. The same is true for us as lawyers. We may feel attacked by "opposing counsel" when they disagree with our perspective, or they do not appear to be listening, or even curious about our perspective. Our stress response will get activated. It is up to us to notice when this happens, and then calm ourselves down.

Collaborative Divorce lawyers, through training and practice, strive to make an extra effort to show up to our cases with humility, curiosity, and some insight, not only into us, but also into the dynamic of the spouses before us. We all have different ways to approach conflict, given our personalities, family of origins, and our ancestral lineage. Managing conflict requires a calm, skillful person to hold the space for strong emotions, and be able to ask "curious" questions to disrupt the conflict loop.^[4]...