Commentary on Entrenched Postseparation Parenting Disputes: The Role of Interparental Hatred

• Author: Steven Demby
• Published date: 01 July 2017
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12286
• Date: 01 July 2017

COMMENTARY ON ENTRENCHED POSTSEPARATION PARENTING

DISPUTES: THE ROLE OF INTERPARENTAL HATRED

Steven Demby

This commentary examines and expands upon Smyth and Moloney’s descriptions of the challenges divorce practitioners face

when attempting to establish working relationships with parents who display entrenched hatred. It is helpful for divorce practi-

tioners to hold in mind two perspectives on entrenched hatred: one as a destructive hindrance to the goal of protecting children

from exposure to parental conflict and the other as an emotion fulfilling urgent psychologically self-protective and self-

enhancing functions for the parent in its grips. In seeking to form working relationships with such parents, it is helpful for

divorce practitioners to understand these psychological needs of the parents without colluding with them. Practical implica-

tions for designing effective interventions stem from these understandings.

Key Points for the Family Court Community:

Entrenched hatred is a destructive obstacle to implementing parenting plans and divorce interventions that are protec-

tive of children.

For some parents, entrenched hatred is an emotion that fulfills urgent psychologically self-protective and self-

enhancing functions.

Parents prone to entrenched hatred experience an intense need for others to witness and corroborate their sense of being

unjustly injured by their ex-partner.

The willingness of such parents to form cooperative working relationships with divorce practitioners is largely depen-

dent on their perception that the practitioner confirms the injustice they have suffered at the hands of the other parent.

When such parents conclude that the practitioner does not completely share this perspective, practitioners are likely to

find themselves on the receiving end of the parents’ devaluation, contempt, manipulation, and efforts to control.

In seeking to form working relationships with such parents, it is helpful for divorce practitioners to understand these

psychological needs of the parents without colluding with them.

Parents gain in their psychological sense of safety when high-conflict divorce interventions are structured with the

capacity to contain the full force of parental entrenched hatred.

Keywords: Child Custody; Difficult Clients; Divorce; Hatred; Interventions; Parental Conflict; and Separation.

Smyth and Moloney (2017) have made a significant contribution to exploring entrenched hatred

and its relevance to parents whom we characterize as “high conflict.” Reviewing the literature in

fields not often mined in the divorce literature, they generate insights that are applicable to our work

as divorce professionals. They offer us a close examination of the phenomena of entrenched hatred

including a definition and a useful conceptual differentiation between reactive and entrenched hatred.

The problems that entrenched hatred poses through its power to “overwhelm rationally informed

attempts to mediate, negotiate, or even adhere to orders regarding suitable parenting arrangements”

are highlighted by their approach. Smyth and Moloney remind us of the difficulties of looking at

hatred straight on, our tendency to avert our eyes and our thoughts from this “intense, complex

emotion” and the destructiveness that accompanies it. While their work does not currently translate

into specific guidelines for interventions, the concept of entrenched hatred suggests new directions

for working effectively with parents in the grips of such hatred. It is a privilege to have an opportu-

nity to comment on their article.

Smyth and Moloney describe entrenched hatred as a negative attachment and underscore the para-

dox that entrenched hatred binds the hater to the hated object just as tightly as does love. Rather than

resolving dependency and attachment to the spouse, such hatred denies dependency and attachment

Correspondence: dembyphd@outlook.com

FAMILY COURT REVIEW, Vol. 55 No. 3, July 2017 417–423

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C2017 Association of Family and Conciliation Courts