"COMING OUT" IS NO EASY TASK.

• Position: LGBTQ+

What do your kids want you to know about coming out? Bethany Cook, adjunct professor for the Illinois School of Professional Psychology, shares these tips:

This is not about you. "Many times when parents hear their child is questioning their sexuality or gender identity, they immediately say something like 'Are you trying to get back at me for doing X?' Your child's sexuality has nothing to do with you or your parenting style."

It is very scary. "All LGBTQ kids have been raised in a society which still hasn't decided if it's going to fully accept alternative lifestyles and those who fit into them. Even kids whose parents are totally cool with it are still fearful of what the rest of the world will say or do to them after they come out."

Please do not ask if it is a phase. "By the time most kids are brave enough to come out to their parents, they've had plenty of time to question whether their desires are a 'phase' or not. Yes, sometimes kids who identify on the spectrum at a young age end up marrying someone of the opposite sex. This may happen for many reasons, none of which has anything to do with 'phases.'"

Go gently with the personal questions. "Sexuality for anyone who isn't 'straight' can be very confusing when it comes to the 'ins and outs' of how things are done. Sex ed is lagging with regards to educating youth about non-cisgender sex. So, if your child comes out to you, don't immediately go for the 'are you a top or a bottom?' type questions, as s/he may not even know the answer to that."

Do not ask: "Are you the boy or the girl in the relationship?" "LGBTQ relationships do not have preconceived roles and duties. As such, it's freeing to be able to be 100% yourself with a partner and work together to identify who does what within the relationship. Just because someone wears pants in a lesbian couple doesn't automatically mean she's the 'man.' That type of thinking is rigid and damaging to relationships because it is still suggesting that hetro relationships are the gold standard for couples."

We do not want to lose your love, but we cannot deny who we are. "It's a bittersweet decision many youth are forced to make: live a life that's true to them or live a life that makes their family happy but they are miserable. By the time many children have found the courage to tell their parents they are LGBTQ, they are also mentally prepared for the worst, which is: be disowned, kicked out, sent to a conversion camp, etc."

This is not a choice. 'Time and again, science has shown homosexuality exists not only in humans but other species as well. Insinuating your children have a choice about how their hearts and bodies respond in the ways of love is like suggesting your offspring chose to have red hair or brown eyes. Sure they could dye their hair and get colored contacts, but it doesn't change their genetic make-up."

MIND & BODY

Stay Emotionally Well Through the Holidays

The holiday season certainly can be anxiety inducing, and "things may be especially stressful this year for some people, due to supply chain issues and the pandemic," explains Katie Sandler, personal development and career coach.

Some of the things Sandler recommends to stay emotionally well include:

* Identify triggers. "Determine what those things are that tend to bring you down or stress you the most. What can you do to minimize them or become more resilient? Perhaps you can delegate, hire help, opt for delivery services, etc. Also, keep in mind that if saying yes to every invite you get this holiday will cause you a lot of stress, it's time to learn to say no--gracefully."

* Volunteer. 'When we spend time helping others, we tend to forget about our own problems, or we gain a new perspective. Altruism leads to a sense of emotional well-being. There are always organizations around the holidays that are in need of volunteers. Whether it's helping in a soup kitchen, delivering meals to the elderly, or reading holiday stories to preschoolers, it will help make you happy."

* Make time for rest. "Holidays can be a busy time that leaves some people feeling drained. Try to minimize this by making lists, planning things out, and always scheduling downtime. It's important to have dedicated time for relaxing, unwinding, and recharging at this time of the year."

* Find an outlet. 'There are many healthy things you can do to help reduce stress and help your mind stay in a good place. Try meditating, taking a hike, spending time in nature, journaling, or learning something new. If you are busy learning qigong or knitting, for example, your mind will stay focused on those things instead of holiday stressors."

* Keep it in perspective. "Oftentimes, our thoughts will embellish things and make a situation seem much worse than it really is--hello catastrophic thinking. We tend to worry about many things that never happen, which zaps us of our energy and mood for no reason. When your mood slumps during the holidays, get to the root of it, tend to it if need be, and keep what is going on in perspective."

* Choose happiness. "Happiness is a choice. Each day, we have the ability to choose to be happy but, too often, we focus instead on those things that bring us stress. Start and end each day with having gratitude for another day. Focus on the things you are grateful for, rather than focusing on any of the negative things or stressors that are going on around you."

HOLIDAY GET-TOGETHERS

Awkward Moments, Prying Questions

It is that time again--the awkward moments; the prying personal questions; everyone trying to impress each other by putting up a fake front ... and this year's holiday family gettogether could be even more difficult since many people skipped it last year due to COVID. So, how do you stay true to yourself when family you have not seen in a few years puts you on the spot?

Leslie Ehm, author of Swagger: Unleash Everything You Are and Become Everything You Want, points out five of the most common holiday discussions that people dread. This year, though, you can be prepared:

* Seeing anyone lately? When do you think he will propose? "Although you might want to respond with a few choice words, remember that humanity, vulnerability, and authenticity are the essence of swagger. Don't let others try to convince you that you are not good enough or that you need to be at a certain stage in your life. We are all constantly evolving, and we all move at our own pace. Pretending we're all that and a bag of chips stunts our potential. Look them straight in the eye and tell them things will unfold when they're ready to, and that you are perfectly content with the way things are."

* How come you still have those piercings? Did you get more tattoos? Why do you wear those clothes? "People don't have to love the real you and that's okay. So-called imperfections are what often bring the flavor to the recipe of our uniqueness. The secret is accepting and even embracing it. Otherwise, we're trying to make ourselves vanilla, and that's boring. If you're more of a spicy mocha choca double twist kind of a person, be proud of it, even if you give others heartburn. Nothing in the world feels better than keeping it real."

* Did you ever go back and finish school? You were so smart. "You are not your history. Stop telling yourself about the past, or that you haven't realized your full potential, or that you could have been more 'if only. . . .' Instead, focus on where you are going. When responding to people, focus on the present and future: Today, I am doing . . . '; Today, I am working toward . . . '; Today, I accomplished ...'. If you stay stuck in believing your history, you'll be dragging on the ground, mired in self-doubt and insecurity, and that's how others will see you, too."

* Can you believe this darn President? Did you vote for him? "Before speaking, ask yourself whether your truth may reflect negatively on the perception of others at that moment. If so, shut your mouth and wait until you have the appropriate person alone in order to achieve your well-intentioned goal--even if the relevant discussion is happening right in front of you. If you dont, trust me when I say that things will likely not turn out well. It's one thing to be true to yourself and be who you really are. There's also something to be said about playing it cool and not adding fire to an already heated discussion."

* You need to be more like your siblings and get a real job. "Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time, but it's what we do when we get to these holiday get-togethers. 'He's a doctor. She's a lawyer. They have an expensive car. They have a big house. Why am I such a loser?' It's pretty darn liberating to stop comparing. No one's true self is better than anyone else's. Being 'your best self is completely subjective. As humans, we are naturally messy, flawed, inconsistent, and reactive. Gazing adoringly at another human and envying his or her seeming charisma or personality can't be a measurement tool."

GIFT GIVING

Let's Be CLEARR: Presents Should Be Fun

As parents across the country engage in their holiday shopping, Sue Groner--author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy: 101 Simple Strategies, founder of The Parenting Mentor, and creator of the CLEARR (communication, love, empathy, awareness, rules, and respect) method of parenting--weighs in with her rules of gift giving.

"In our attempt to be good parents, many of us fall into the trap of feeling as though the gifts we give our children need to be useful--or, at the very least, utilized. I dont know about you, but this idea usually leaves me feeling stressed or disappointed, two feelings I try to avoid, especially during the holiday season."

Create guidelines. "Whether it's the number of gifts, or the budget for a particular holiday, knowing what your guidelines are up front allows for more clear decisionmaking. Share the guidelines with your children so they know what to expect when they make their wish list."

Avoid...