Comebacks and predictions.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Unplugged - Column

I must confess that I am a little disappointed that I was, yet again, not named to the People magazine list of the twenty-five most intriguing individuals of 1995. Make that a lot disappointed. Babe the pig made it, but not moi. Even though a ruddy cowgirl in Helena, Montana, screamed, "You big old lesbian sow" at me during the Big Sky Country Gay Pride March. Not for nothing did I deserve to be on that list.

At year end, magazines like People suffer episodes of compulsive list-making, a.k.a. "davidlettermania," citing the most important people and events of the past twelve months, and predicting the trends for the next. Ever since somebody ran a big old Zamboni down the infobahn, everything equals everything else, and all the magazine lists sound the same.

Well, at this magazine, we have our priorities throughout the year: justice, peace, love, valor, compassion. We don't stoop to such gimmicks. So here goes.

What a year! Nixon made another comeback, played by Anthony Hopkins because Jim Carrey was not available as he was filming the sequel, Dumber and Dumbest. Too bad. I foresaw gallons of water gushing from Jim's upper lip, a big "Well, all righty then," and off to the Watergate break-in. No matter how good Hopkins was, he could not compete at tryouts with Carrey doing a full-body arms-extended-over-the-head victory sign.

I pitied the actress who had to play Pat Nixon. Talk about challenges! In all the archives, there is only one film clip of Pat smoking. By the way, I hear that Tricia and Julie got free movie passes, but had to pay for their own popcorn.

Nixon's biggest comeback, however, was not winning over Oliver Stone but winning over the Congress. His not-so-secret Southern Strategy, now almost thirty years into implementation, has triumphed, with Prime Minister Newt Gingrich shepherding the herds. And I mean no insult to shepherds.

I did like Newt being named Time magazine's "Man of the Year." Saves time come October when you need to find some scary Halloween mask.

Bill Clinton, who made People's top twenty-five, went to another of those yuppie Renaissance Weekends. Charles Murray, drag name "Belle Curve," was invited to give the liberal fest more balance - just what we needed. Maureen...