Christie, the great White Whale.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - Chris Christie traffic scandal

A vast me mateys. Off the starboard bow. Thar she blows. Chris Christie, I mean. And harpoons are flying in from multiple quarters. Back on the Jersey Shore, Hillary Clinton's people and Rand Paul's folks are both partying so hard, Snooki and JWoww's buddies are banging on hallway doors demanding the noise be kept down to a dull roar.

Rumors that Governor Juggernaut was a petty and vindictive bully have rattled across the borders of the Garden State for longer than Captain Ahab hunted the White Whale. So when it was revealed that aides shut down two-thirds of the lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish Fort Lee's mayor for not endorsing him, it sounded as believable as bolts on the neck of Baron von Frankenstein's little buddy. Funny thing is, when you think of the porcine politico and major arteries being clogged, traffic patterns are not what immediately spring to mind.

Christie, however, claims no knowledge of these nefarious paybacks. And attempted to prove it by ridding his staff of the guilty parties quicker than a shank thrust to the belly of a snitch at Rahway. If throwing people under a bus were an Olympic event, Chris Christie would have been waving from the top of the podium wearing a triple XL tracksuit in Sochi.

Either Christie knew about the George Washington Bridge being closed and did nothing about it, which makes him a lying cretinous toad, or he had no idea that his staff was responsible for the four-day bridge closure, which makes him a frigging idiot. And nobody thinks Chris Christie is a frigging idiot. Especially Chris Christie.

At his monumental press conference, where he fielded questions from reporters for almost two hours, he didn't answer any of them, but he went to great pains to appear authentically contrite and...