Why do they cheat and lie? There are "plenty of excuses made by lots of men after they have had to come clean about their affairs.".

• Author: Major, Ish
• Position: Life in America

I LOVE HER. ... I'm just not in love with her anymore. I'm just not attracted to her any longer. We've lost the spark in our marriage. We lost the connection between us. It was just sex; it didn't mean anything. I was selfish; I didn't think.

These are all-too-common excuses made in the aftermath of an affair--plenty of excuses made by lots of men after they have had to come clean about their affairs. I say "their" affairs because typically it is just that--theirs. Their wants take priority over their wives'. Their needs come first and the needs of the family second. So, is that it? Can we simply chalk it all up to boys being boys? Well, just as there are two people in that relationship, my guess is that there are two very different sides to this cheating story. Let us take a closer look and see exactly who is driving this runaway train.

The overwhelming majority of women in the country say that their absolute biggest fear in a relationship is being cheated on--a fact which makes the actual number of couples who are affected by affairs even more startling. Cheating seems to be a growing trend these days. Studies consistently show that close to 60% of married men cheat. The numbers only are slightly lower for women. Here is an interesting question: "Would you have an affair if you knew you would never get caught?" When married couples were asked this, the numbers balloon to a whopping 80% of both men and women saying yes.

Why is this happening? We really need to take a closer look at the urges and impulses driving this growing trend. I have spoken with thousands of men (single and married) from around the country. Some were card-carrying members of the Cheater's Club; others simply had requested a brochure and were going to "think about it." They give lots of different reasons for their behavior, and have many complaints about their women. Some fair; most not so much. In sifting through and thinking about what they said, I have been able to distill their reasons down to two simple rationales: men cheat when they feel that their woman does not need them or that they cannot satisfy her. That is it. Most of a man's wandering comes because he is not secure in one or both of these two concepts. However, this does not account for all cheating behavior. Keep in mind, there always will be that select group of immature guys who still tend to feed their egos by driving up the numbers of their sexual conquests. Most mature and/or married men have moved past this stage.

Now, let us examine some of the specific complaints that lead to cheating. One of the most common is that passion has left the marriage. That is to say there is no spontaneity. Men complain that the sex feels routine and mechanical--as if it were a chore on their wives "to do" list or an obligation she had to fulfill. This left the guys feeling less than desirable and, at times, rejected.

A study by iVillage bears out this truth. It found that 63% of married women said they would prefer to catch up on some sleep, watch a movie, or read a book rather than have sex with their spouse. The study goes on to show that 80% of these women report their sex lives as predictable. What is so very interesting here is that the overwhelming majority reports being either extremely or very...