Chapter 3 Emotional Divorce: Managing the "money Crazies"

• Library: Divorce & Money (Nolo) (2020 Ed.)

CHAPTER 3: Emotional Divorce: Managing the "Money Crazies"

Reduce Stress Whenever You Can

Safeguard Your Sanity

Watch Out for Sore Spots

Be Prepared for the Worst

Develop a Financially Focused Mental Attitude

Avoid the "All at Once" Syndrome

Manage the Ebb and Flow of Emotions

Don't Let Financial Tasks Overwhelm You

To make the best financial decisions during divorce, you must be alert to the emotional states that can sabotage your settlement negotiations.

Be on guard if you find yourself attempting to:

• get even
• get it over with, or
• get back together.

These three "gets" show the influence of strong emotions, which will hamper your ability to see both the upside and downside of your decisions. Anger, resentment, and running away are reactions. But in a divorce, you must not simply react; you need to be thinking carefully—and coolly—whenever you can.

Start by checking your attitude. Do any of the following sound like you?

"I'm going to get even no matter what it takes. You're going to pay for what you did to me. Just you wait. I'll see you in court."

You may feel that this attitude conveys strength, but the "get even" approach rarely leaves people satisfied, even when their divorce settlements or the court's orders are totally equal according to the numbers on paper. Bitter feelings linger long after the settlement, especially if you use poor financial judgment while motivated by revenge. The hostility of warring parents can have terrible consequences for their children, which may linger for years.

What's more, the attorneys' fees of vengeful spouses often soar. If you insist on going to court to get even, a trial will likely cost you at least three times as much as an out-of-court settlement. Besides that, you are unlikely to get what you want from the judge; even if you do, there is no guarantee that an ex-spouse will comply with court orders.

While you should certainly pursue your legal rights, the judicial system is no place to satisfy your emotional demands.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned." (Variously attributed)

"I don't care what happens. I just want to get it over with."

Stop right there. In a divorce, running away or becoming defenseless is the equivalent of playing the victim, and being victimized is perhaps the worst strategy you can employ when it comes to your finances. The decisions you make during your divorce will affect you (and your children) for the rest of your life. It's no time to choose the path of least resistance. Your financial survival depends on participating in each step of your divorce settlement. And if you take too many shortcuts, you could create unexpected money problems that won't take effect until later. In a year or two, your emotional life will be different. The financial agreements you make during divorce, however, affect you permanently.

"Maybe if I don't cause problems financially, we can work it out. I won't make waves. I'll just give in so we can get back together."

Certainly this attitude is understandable when you're hoping to reconcile or if both of you are committed to a fair and equitable settlement. But it's futile—and dangerous—to think you can save the relationship by surrendering your financial leverage. Avoiding conflict is often another expression of victimhood or passive aggressiveness, neither of which will set things right. Why should someone come back into a faltering relationship if you are agreeing to everything anyway? Meanwhile, if you and your partner do get back together, your relationship will be much healthier if you are on equal footing—financially and emotionally.

All this advice may make sense, but in reality, how do you deal with money when you are emotionally involved with your spouse?

That is perhaps the most important question to ask when you embark on a divorce, and it is central to the purpose of this book.

The primary concept can be stated simply: The better you manage your emotions, the better equipped you'll be to manage financial decisions during divorce. But applying this rather simple concept can be a very difficult task. The emotional toll of divorce is so high that some therapists and counselors use the label "crazy time" to describe it.

Ironically, you'll need to make calm, rational financial decisions that affect your future while you're under intense emotional pressure. Your two tasks—the logical and linear management of money and the release of emotional tension—pull you in opposite directions. Balancing between these poles is an insane proposition. No wonder you feel as if you have the "money crazies."

You will need to be cool and focused while you manage your finances during divorce, which means you need to limit the hours you spend wrestling with your emotions. When you take steps to understand the divorce process in emotional terms, you may avoid some of the common pitfalls that lead to victimization and unchecked anger. Forewarned is forearmed.

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