Chapter 16 Getting Help, Finding Information, and Looking Stuff Up

• Library: Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce (Nolo) (2020 Ed.)

CHAPTER 16 Getting Help, Finding Information, and Looking Stuff Up

More Great Books

Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

Parenting

Communication

Emotional and Psychological Issues

Estate Planning

Finances

Getting Divorce Information and Forms

Court and Court-Related Websites

Other Websites

Help With Negotiations

Financial Advice

Accountants

Actuaries

Credit Counselors

Financial Planners

Divorce Financial Planners

Document Preparation Services

Legal Document Preparers

Web-Based Services

Legal Advice

Ways to Work With a Lawyer

How to Find and Choose a Lawyer

Other Ways to Look Things Up

Library Research

Online Legal Research

When you're getting divorced, it's important to remind yourself that you're not alone—lots of others have been there before you, and there's an enormous amount of information and help available to you. We've sorted through some of it for you, and this chapter points you to some of the best information and suggests ways to use available resources, including books, the Internet, and professional help of all kinds to help you get oriented to the laws of your state and the general universe of divorce law.

More Great Books

You can get great help from books that deal with divorce, whether you're looking for information and advice on the emotional and psychological aspects of divorce, child custody, money, or grief and loss. Here are some that are particularly useful.

Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce, by Katherine E. Stoner (Nolo), explains in detail how mediation and collaborative divorce work, provides worksheets to help you find a mediator or collaborative lawyer to work with, and offers examples of how the process might look in individual cases.

A Guide to Divorce Mediation, by Gary J. Friedman (Workman), describes the divorce mediation process and includes 12 in-depth case studies to give you a clear sense of how mediation works. (This book is out of print but used copies are easily available.)

Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move On With Your Life, by Pauline Tesler and Peggy Thompson (HarperCollins), describes the collaborative process.

The Collaborative Way to Divorce, by Stuart Webb and Ron Ousky (Hudson Street Press), is another source for understanding collaborative divorce.

Parenting

Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step, by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman (Nolo), walks you through the process of negotiating and preparing a parenting agreement with your spouse, and provides sample clauses for building your own agreement.

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, Revised Edition, by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. (Simon & Schuster), is the classic text on dealing with shared custody.

Putting Children First, Revised Edition, by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D. (Penguin), is a guide to emotionally intelligent parenting designed to lessen the potential negative impacts of divorce on children.

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C., with Patricia Romanowski (Random House), helps parents understand what their kids are experiencing during divorce and offers practical advice for communicating with children and helping them to express their feelings. Includes sections for every age group.

The Good Divorce, by Constance Ahrons (HarperCollins), offers hope for a postdivorce family structure that works and encourages parents to work hard on their own relationship as coparents after divorce, for the benefit of their children.

How to Parent with Your Ex, by Brette McWhorter Sember (Sphinx), has an interesting two-books-in-one format, with one side addressing parenting issues from a custodial parent's perspective and the flip side dealing with noncustodial parenting.

Split: A Film for Kids of Divorce (and their Parents) is a film made for kids and parents, featuring children's perspectives on divorce. No adults or experts show up in this powerful video. Find it at www.splitfilm.org.

Communication

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (Penguin), has practical advice about how to prepare for difficult talks and communicate successfully about hard topics.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler (McGraw-Hill) offers useful tools for planning and dealing with the difficult conversations that are inevitable. This book appears to focus on business relationships, but its definition of a crucial conversation fits right in with what you'll be dealing with during your divorce: one where "... (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions differ, and (3) emotions run high." A second book by the same authors is Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior (Second Edition).

Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, by Sharon Ellison (Bay Tree Publishing) suggests using a three-pronged approach of questions, statements, and predictions, so you can learn to communicate nondefensively no matter what your spouse is doing. The related website at www.pndc.com has tips and resources.

Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Non-Violent Communication, by Oren Jay Sofer and Joseph Goldstein (Shambala) brings a new perspective to NVC, a popular method of communicating about difficult topics.

Emotional and Psychological Issues

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition, by Abigail Trafford (Random House), focuses on the emotional difficulties of ending your marriage and the divorce process, and how you can come out of it and move forward.

Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse (HCI), offers an optimistic view of postdivorce life and promises to turn an event generally perceived as traumatic into a life-enhancing change. (Out of print but available used.)

Chapter 15 lists some additional titles that can help with emotional issues.

Estate Planning

Quicken WillMaker & Trust is interactive software that lets you create a valid, state-specific will and health care directive.

Nolo's Quick & Legal Will Book, by Denis Clifford (Nolo), provides step-by-step instructions and forms to create a simple will.

Make Your Own Living Trust, by Denis Clifford, along with the online living trust form, (both from Nolo), will help you create a simple living trust. At www.nolo.com you can make a will or living trust online.

Finances

Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce, by Violet Woodhouse and Lina Guillen (Nolo), is a detailed, comprehensive guide to the financial issues involved in divorce. Includes lots of worksheets that can help you make the important decisions about money and property.

The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, by Alan Feigenbaum and Heather Linton (McGraw-Hill), is written by divorce financial planners and details how to make sure that what looks like a good settlement now will really benefit you in the long run. (Paperback is out of print but available used; new e-book also available.)

Solve Your Money Troubles: Strategies to Get Out of Debt and Stay That Way, by Cara O'Neill and Amy Loftsgordon (Nolo), provides practical strategies for getting out of debt and making a fresh financial start.

Credit Repair, by Cara O'Neill and Amy Loftsgordon (Nolo), offers legal information and practical tips on credit reports, budgeting, negotiating with credit bureaus, and building a solid credit history.

Getting Divorce Information and Forms

If you're doing all or part of your divorce yourself, you'll need to find forms and information about the process. Here's how.

When it comes to a court's fill-in-the-blanks forms, you can get most of what you need at your local court. Just walk in and ask the clerk how to get your hands on them. The clerk may send you to the nearby county law library for the forms, but more likely you'll have them handed across the counter to you. They'll probably include some instructions or information about how to get started on your divorce.

There is a mind-boggling amount of information about divorce...