Celibate squares.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: Humor - Kenneth W. Starr's sexual investigation of the president - Unplugged - Column - Brief Article

Besides falling leaves, falling governments, and falling markets, fall is a season of self-congratulation. The Emmys, the Miss America Pageant, the Country Music Awards, and the MTV Awards all cast a warm glow of euchred hubris on our upturned faces. The buzz on the leaf-strewn street is that the new kid on the award show block, the Kenny Awards[TM] is sure to sweep the "Best Achievement in Self-Congratulatory Award Show" category at next year's Emmys.

The Kennys were recently announced from a nondescript sloping driveway in Alexandria, Virginia. Despite the fact that everyone already knew the winners because the awards had been leaked for weeks, the show aired live on MSNBC, the Internet at www.thekennys.com, CNN Airport News, C-Span, and See's Candy In-store Entertainment Channel, "The Fudge Report."

From a Lucite podium wedged behind an opened limousine door, the slightly smiling M.C. did a wonderful opening number. He carefully took his sport coat off, folded it, and gingerly placed it in the car. Then, with the morning sun glinting off his Mr. Peabody-style glasses, he read the mission statement of the Kennys: "to honor achievements in entertainment during the recent Troubles." In addition to the nominations, the M.C. happily announced a surprise Lifetime Achievement Award, "The Nixon," given to former President Ronald Reagan and accepted by Oliver North.

Kenny winners were chosen through extensive polling of The American People (TAP). The results were ignored and winners were subsequently selected by Geraldo Rivera. The design of the award was also voted on by TAP, who selected from the following prototypes: a cigar, a Ken doll, a putsch, or the letter "A." The votes were carefully tabulated and, again, disregarded. Winners received a six-inch gold statuette in the shape of the Kenny character from HBO's South Park, because as one Kenny producer explained off the record, "Every week they killed Kenny, and every Monday he was back with a box of something."

Partial list of the Kennys from the four-hour award show:

* Miss Congeniality--Hillary Clinton (by a nose over Susan Weber Wright).

* Best Children's Series--Nickelodeon for Tubbie's Telling.

* Best Continuous Coverage--CNN, Clinton Nookie News. Kudos to CNN's Women Who Run With Wolf Blitzer.

* Best Achievement in Parental Enabling--Monica's mom and dad for, "Sure, here's...