Buyee's remorse.

• Position: Off the Map - British Petroleum and the Gulf oil spill - Essay

To say the news coming out of the Gulf is not what you call encouraging is like saying it's been a rough summer for Dennis

Hopper. And it's making people crazy. Not Patsy Cline crazy. Bore worms in your ears crazy.

Louisiana native James Carville went off on the President like a string of overstuffed firecrackers in a potbellied stove. And for Carville to savage the leader of his own party either means he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore or his wife Mary Matalin's monotone brainwashing has achieved full saturation. I would hazard a bit of both.

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Obama is warding off shots from both sides. Republicans are yelling at him for holding BP responsible for the Deepwater Horizon disaster AND for not doing enough to clean it up. That man sure is a geographic oddity. On two wrong sides of the same issue at one time. That ain't easy.

In another sign we've entered the roundabout to Loopyville, the GOP is now demanding government intervention. While on the only slightly less goofy side of town, some Democrats are hankering for the military to take over. What the hell they expect the Army to do that BP can't? Shoot the spill? Surround it and occupy it? Put on USO shows to win its heart and mind?

Excepting the stone plug that Jack used in Lost, BP has tried everything: Top Hat. Top Kill. Top Cat. Top Chef. Topkapi. Topographical maps. Topol. Topamax. Topo Grigio. But thus far, they've only managed to make the spill very, very angry. Not as angry as folks near the affected areas who just want to get back to their lives. Which Tony Hayward can relate to. Especially in the wake of the "We're BP, and we're sorry" ads costing millions. Destined to rank right up there with marrying a Kardashian as worst PR move EVER.

Nobody trusts BP as far as you can throw a deserted shrimp boat. About anything. "We're trying our best." Yeah, we're familiar with your best. Your best sucks. BP's sole object is protecting profit. Covering corporate butt. BP is not concerned with plugging or cleaning or stopping or fixing or reimbursing, except for how it affects the quarterly dividend. To that end, it will lie and deny and in comply and do whatever it takes.

Take Tony Hayward's seven-hour...