A business-checking pitch.

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: Letter Doctor

Here is an evaluation of a letter from Wachovia selling the bank's business checking account to business prospects.

(1) Physical letter setup, The overall "look" of this letter makes it inviting to the prospect to read: It is one page and attractive to the quick glance. But by having the design element on the top and the attached/designed coupon below, it says "sales piece." Better to have detached the coupon from the letter.

(2) Johnson's box. The space on the upper-right of the letter head is valuable real estate. It can either state the prime consumer benefit or intrigue the prospect to start reading the letter--or both. Instead of just white space, a subhead like "How to take control of your business' finances...." would grab the reader.

(3) Salutation. They either didn't have faith in the quality of their list or liked using the impersonal "Dear Business Owner." It would have been better to say, "Dear Mr. Wachtel" or even "Dear George Wachtel."

(4) Bullets. It is a good idea to use crisp and bold-face bullet points like this (especially in a business-to-business mailing); but also having a bold subhead right above and below them steals their thunder. When you emphasize every element in a tight space, the reader doesn't know where to go.

(5) Parallel construction. The bullet points should look and read like a coordinated grouping. For example, the first item could be switched to read: "FREE Transactions--Up to ..."

(6) BillPay. Is this option free? If so, it should be stated.

(7) Indented paragraphs and the signature block moved to the right are more inviting to the reader's eye.

(8)...