Bush owns class warfare.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - George W. Bush

* Chico, California, home of the Sierra Nevada brewery, which has grown in thirty years from a garage operation to the ninth-largest brewery in America. And I'd like to think, in my own little way, I am more than partly responsible.

Plastic sheeting and duct tape. Just a couple questions here: 1) Wouldn't a better use of the duct tape and plastic sheets be to slap a couple pieces across Donald Rumsfeld's mouth? I'm just asking. 2) If we do seal our houses up, mightn't we run the risk of suffocating like forgotten dime-store goldfish? 3) Could this whole plastic sheeting and duct tape crap be a stealth attempt by the Administration to kick-start the economy by getting consumers back into hardware stores? It seems to be working. For crum's sake, the entire state of Georgia is out of the stuff.

I don't know about you, but I am less than soothed after being provided with this comprehensive anti-terrorist plan of self-defense. But you go ahead, be a good American, go down and try to pick up your fair share of duct tape and plastic sheeting. Turn your house into a giant Ziploc Baggie and your neighborhood into the crisper bin of a shared refrigerator in the kitchen of a 200-employee insurance agency. And if the shelves are all empty, don't you fret, dear friend, there's plenty of other ordinary household items you can purchase to ensure the protection of your family in much the same way. Only different:

Tinfoil and nailguns. Brown wrapping paper and super glue. Replacement materials in lieu of no gray tape or Saran Wrap.

Shovels and pickaxes. Might find yourself some spare time to work on a bit of basement remodeling. I'm thinking guestroom, shelter, bunker.

Yellow legal pads. Last words, final thoughts, that sort of thing.

Caulking guns and Tabasco sauce. Improvise your own weapons.

Lots of string and clean tin cans. High-tech communications devices could become useless. Return to the time tested.

* San Francisco, California, where a Green Party candidate has been voted in as president of the board of supervisors. Great timing: $320 million budget deficit. Like being newly installed as chief of Enron's human resource department.

I'm dredging gray matter depths to come up with an analogy equivalent to Al Sharpton's chances of winning the Democratic nomination for President in 2004. "Snowball in hell" smacks not only of cliche but seems a bit generous as well. How 'bout "more likely to see a...