Building the perfect candidate.

• Author: Cavanaugh, Tim
• Position: Cover Story

As DEVOTEES OF free minds and free markets, we spend our nights pining for a major-party politician who not only looks dreamy while reading a Teleprompter but shows some passion for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

President George W. Bush's determination to be all things to all people has ballooned the national debt and created an America where the worst aspects of the moralizing right, the caring left, and Wilsonian do-gooders have become national policy. To top things off, his FDA has even banned the very ephedra that might have made it possible to stay awake during Campaign 2004.

But if Bush's many failings are self-evident to libertarians, it's equally clear that the Democratic alternative (almost certainly to be John Kerry as of this writing), will in no way be worth endorsing either. The only way we're going to meet Candidate Right is to make our own--and that's just what we intend to do.

In the spirit of the do-it-yourself culture and biotechnological innovation that we celebrate regularly in these pages, we've taken the liberty of building the perfect Bush challenger from the personality traits and disparate policies offered by the various Democratic office-seekers who at one point or another have thrown their hats into the ring.

reason's Dream Candidate

We've surveyed the field of presidential challengers, and only in our dreams do we see our Candidate Right. Mr. Sandman, send us someone with:

The Silver Tongue of Al Sharpton. Policies and politics aside, Rev. Al is the only candidate we can listen to for 10 minutes without falling asleep. With his bluntness and his phrase-turning acumen, presidential press conferences would become the ultimate must-see reality TV series.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

The Writing Hand of Bob Graham. The already forgotten senator from Florida reportedly has spent countless hours of his political career keeping a Pepys-like diary that detailed his every meal, meeting, and belch. Unlike the current occupant of the White House, Graham would leave a paper trail wide enough to keep special prosecutors and historians alike busy for years to come.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

The Eyebrows of Richard Gephardt. His bushy, golden tufts signify the tenacity and determination that kept the Show Me State representative extraordinaire running for president several decades past his sell-by date.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

The Hair of John Edwards. No one fills out an empty suit quite...