Believe it or not: the latest from D.C.

• Author: Rundles, Jeff
• Position: Rundles Wrap-up - Quirky research - Column

WASHINGTON, D.C. (JAN. 1, 2004)--Researchers here confirmed that secret studies conducted by the government over the last 20 years have proven, without a doubt, that several long-held beliefs thought to be fictitious, old wives' tales or bromides for children, are, in fact, real.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and for the first time the government is insisting that not believing this could prove fatal.

A top-secret government commission, involved with high-level scientific inquiries since the early days of the Reagan administration, reports among its many amazing discoveries, that:

* Kentucky Fried Chicken really is a more healthful meal choice than granola, wheat germ, oatmeal or any vegetarian diets.

* Tang didn't go to the moon in 1969, it came from the moon when Apollo 11 returned.

* Twinkies, when used in a daily regimen of therapeutic care, have been shown to be an effective aging-preventative when used in conjunction with other natural nutrients, such as KFC and Tang.

* Flossing promotes tooth decay.

And, in its perhaps most startling finding, the commission reported, there is, in fact, a permanent record from your school days that stays with you for the rest of your life.

"I thought it was a joke," said Bill Smith, 51, about concerns that came up in a recent job interview with the leading mutual-fund manager in the country. "They said my 1100 SATs, which I took on a Saturday in 1969 after drinking until two in the morning, left me 100 points short of their threshold for senior management. They were going to consider me for middle management, but there was the time I got caught reading Mike Pratt's test paper in 7th grade English, and they even knew about the time I kissed Debbie Young during recess in second grade."

Not only do permanent school records of childhood sins exist, the commission said, but many of the seemingly inane legal arguments that are used to routinely claim innocence based on brainwashing are actually true.

"Lee Malvo, one of the D.C. sniper suspects, was under the mind-altering control of the other culprit John Muhammad," a commission spokesperson said. "And we...