All you enterprising entrepreneurs out there might want to invest in a fleet of tractor back-hoes and partial ownership of a cinder block quarry, because it's starting to feel like bunker-digging time in America. The possibility of nuclear war is spiking like the needle of a meat thermometer on a lava flow.
Retail has already jumped on the bandwagon. Late night television ads hawking survivalist foods destined to last decades have begun airing between tortured puppy PSAs. Won't be long before all the Marts--K, Wal, Kwik-E, and the rest--feature red, white, and blue specials on duct tape and plastic wrap. Civilization closeouts. Extinction edibles. Mankind markdowns.
Predictably, the various parts of the country are reacting differently. In the South, they're hoarding grits and bourbon and preserving tomatoes while San Francisco stockpiles cases of organic, heirloom, artisanal, gluten-free cannellini beans from the northwest district of the Tuscany region. Wisconsin bunkers contain mini-refrigerators to hold the beer and cheese curds while Golden State bunkers have hardwood floors and a view.
While President Trump is busy dropping healthy payloads of big-d Democracy on various Mideast miscreants, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un has started to kick demilitarized sand in our face, sticking out his nuclear tongue and wagging thumbs in his ears. Might not even be his own thumbs. Could be his uncles thumbs. Or his half-brother's.
It's 1950 all over again. A brand-new serving of the old Cold War with a little kimchi on the side. Only this sequel will be in color and there's not a single General Douglas MacArthur to be found. And all the combatants will be overseen by Mad Dogs.
We should have expected that the Beloved Leader would flip out, having recently been supplanted atop the prestigious "World's Wackiest Leader with the Most Peculiar Hair" list. A distinction that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy. Poor kid had one thing going for him, and Trump took it away.
Also, the two leaders have more in common than worst commander-in-chief haircuts in recent history. Both have rabid-mammal...