Bad Days on the Campaign Trail.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Volume 1

John McCain

"Thank you Larry Harmon. And let me assure you, my friends, what a thrill it is to preside over the opening of the annual Clown Convention here in the great Republican stronghold of El Paso, Texas. What's that? Oh, I'm sorry. That's right, Berkeley, California. Darn. Well, that certainly explains why the Mexican food in the hotel coffee shop this morning was so odd. Bean sprouts in a burrito, there ought to be a law. And if you, my friends, and the good people of this great country of ours along with our merciful God, grant me my fondest wish, trust me, there will be.

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"I want to thank all of you for coming tonight, er, today, this afternoon. Proud to say I've worked with a lot of clowns in my time. After all, I spent decades in the Senate. Although, I must say, speaking in front of a group that earns their living in size 55 extra extra extra wide shoes is a first.

"The liberal media elite might say a crowd of sixty clowns in a suburban basement isn't much to speak of, but let me say, that to me, my friends, it's just plenty and I hope, that like me, you, my friends, are not listening to the mainstream propaganda that says I'm too old to lead this country. You want change and so do I. Not that new-fangled kind of change. I have your experienced change. "Besides, when history starts to repeat itself, I'll be the first to know and I can alert the rest of us. That's a joke, my friends. Not as funny as my drunken sailor joke but a joke nonetheless.

"Now I know what you're asking: 'John, how can you energize the electorate with the election so close?' It was a rhetorical question, sir. Go ahead, you Bozos. Honk your noses. But there can be only one reason why everyone refuses to believe that I'm a better fit for the job: Barack Obama has them all hypnotized. He's used some of his voodoo.

"Well, he's not the only one who can play that game, my friends. Everyone, look up here. Look closely at this watch. Isn't it a pretty shiny watch? See the watch go back and forth. Can't you feel yourself getting sleepy? Sleepy. Oh, damn, I'm starting to get sleepy. I think I'll...