Avoiding words that hurt.

• Author: Telushkin, Joseph

OVER THE PAST DECADE, whenever I have lectured on the powerful, and often negative, impact of words, I have asked audiences if they can go for 24 hours without saying any unkind words about or to anybody. Invariably, a minority of listeners raise their hands signifying "yes"; some laugh; and quite a large number call out, "no!"

I respond by saying, "Those who can't answer `yes' must recognize that you have a serious problem. If you can not go for 24 hours without drinking liquor, you are addicted to alcohol. If you can not go for 24 hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. Similarly, if you can not go for 24 hours without saying unkind words about others, you have lost control of your tongue."

How can I compare the harm done by a bit of gossip or a few unpleasant words to the damage caused by alcohol and smoking? Think about your own life for a minute. Unless you, or someone dear to you, has been the victim of terrible physical violence, chances are the worst pains you have suffered in life have come from words used cruelly--from ego-destroying criticism, excessive anger, sarcasm, public and/or private humiliation, hurtful nicknames, betrayal of secrets, rumors, and malicious gossip.

There is no area of life in which so many people systematically violate the Golden Rule. If you were about to enter a room and heard those inside talking about you, chances are what you would least like to hear them discussing are your character flaws and the intimate details of your social life. Yet, when you are with friends and the conversation turns to people not present, what aspects of their lives are you and your companions most likely to explore? Is it not their character flaws and the intimate details of their social lives?

If you do not participate in such talk, congratulations. Before asserting this as a definite fact, though, try monitoring your conversation for two days. Note on a piece of paper every time you say something negative about someone who is not present and record when others do so, as well as your reactions when that happens. Do you try to silence the speaker, or do you ask for more details?

To ensure the test's accuracy, make no effort to change the content of your conversations throughout the two-day period and do not try to be kinder than usual in assessing another's character and actions. Most of those who take this test are unpleasantly surprised.

Negative comments we make about absent individuals is just one way we wound with words. We cruelly can hurt those to whom we are speaking as well. For instance, many of us, when enraged, grossly exaggerate the wrong done by the person who has provoked our ire. If the anger expressed is disproportionate to the provocation (as frequently occurs when parents rage at children), it is unfair, may inflict great hurt and damage, and thus is unethical.

All too often, many of us criticize with harsh, offensive words, turn disputes into quarrels, belittle or humiliate others, and inflict wounds that last a lifetime. One reason many otherwise good people use words irresponsibly and cruelly is that they regard the injuries inflicted as intangible and therefore minimize the damage they can cause. For generations, children taunted by playmates have been taught to respond, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words (or names) can never hurt me." Does anyone really think that a child exposed to such abuse believes that bit of doggerel?

An old Jewish teaching compares the tongue to an arrow: "Why not another weapon--a sword, for example?," one rabbi asks. "Because," he is told, "if a man unsheathes his sword to kill his friend, and his friend pleads with him and...