Are You Ready for This...?

• Author: Newman, Jacqueline
• Position: MIND & BODY

Like childbirth, I feel that no one tells women the real truth about the divorce process. Here are some things to consider when thinking about divorce and, if you can live with them, then you may be ready.

* His affair will not shock the judge. The fact that he violated the sacred rule of marriage by having an affair will not make a judge blink his or her eye. A court typically will not agree that, because he was a bad husband, he now is a bad father. Therefore, the effect of an affair--even an affair with your best friend--will not have an impact on the determinations a court makes in terms of custody.

* Be prepared to do everything yourself. While you already may feel that you do everything yourself anyway and his absence will not be noticed... until it is freezing outside and now it is you who has to take out the garbage. Moreover, he may not have been home most of the time, but there were a few Sundays when he was in the house watching football, so you at least could run an errand or two and leave the kids at home. Those days of the simple escape may be gone.

* Understand and accept that he will have time alone with your children. Many moms do not think about the fact that, except in rare situations, the fathers will have alone time with the kids, which will include, more often than not, overnight stays. This means that you will have little to no control over what he serves them for dinner (fast food anyone?) and what time they go to bed (okay, you can watch one more movie). I have seen many clients stay in marriages for this reason alone.

* The divorce process can take a long time. While those TV breakups are wrapped up within the hour show, it takes much longer in real life. If you litigate, it can take years. Even if you settle quickly, it can be at least three to six months before you actually are divorced.

* You do not have to go to court to get divorced. Many people are under the mistaken presumption that the only way to get divorced is to go to court and see a judge. That idea is so scary that many people stay in marriages just to avoid it. However, there are other amicable ways that are much more constructive and less frightening, such as mediation and the collaborative law process. Both result in divorce as well.

* Do not bad mouth your spouse on social media. He claims to be working late, but then you were looking at the credit card bill and see that his just incurred a charge at a wine bar. You are furious, so who do you turn...