Arctic, Shmarctic.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Politics wit humor - Brief Article

Today, everybody mouths merely what's expected of them, rather than what lurks in their heart of hearts. But that's why I get paid the big bucks. To read between the lines of the deceits. To pour lemon juice on the invisible ink of invention. To steam open the envelope containing the Navajo codes of social distortion separating what they say from what they mean. Listen up, my friends, and all will be revealed. OK, most. Some?

What They Say: I'm the Environmental President.

What They Mean: Not the whole environment. Mostly just the plots of land right under the headquarters of Texas's seven major energy conglomerates.

WTS: The Confederate flag is not a symbol of racism; it's a token of our heritage.

WTM: Screw you, nonwhitey.

WTS: We are simply attempting to provide the best and most economical service possible to our valued energy consumers.

WTM: Ha-ha, ha-ha. Cha-ching, cha-ching. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

WTS: The declining economy is the single most compelling reason for the country to receive the benefits of my tax cut right now.

WTM: Don't hear much about my whole scheme to tie Social Security to the stock market anymore, does you?

WTS: Honey, should we take the Land Cruiser or the Suburban to the "Save the Blind Albino Unwed Spotted Owl" fundraiser?

WTM: We want to have our raspberry reduction tiramisu and eat it, too.

WTS: Leading scientific indicators on what constitutes a dangerous level of arsenic in tap water are unclear.

WTM: More is gooder, right?

WTS: George W. looks so serene.

WTM: So do coma victims.

WTS: The semi-dimpled, half-hanging, quarter-pregnant chads deserved another look.

WTM: If only I hadn't invented the Internet, everything would be different. Pass the double-stuffed Oreos.

WTS: This hotel is totally committed to maintaining an Earthfriendly policy.

WTM: We don't want to wash your towels.

WTS: We expect to take the same professionalism we showed in Australia and apply it to Salt Lake City next winter.

WTM: Yesterday's Olympics tomorrow.

WTS: What this country needs to get back on track is programs like those originated by our forefathers.

WTM: Faith-based executions.

Now I know I'm running the risk of forfeiting my membership as a card carrying bleeding heart commie pinko yellow rat bastard liberal for even thinking this aloud, but if you want to be...