Apologies all around.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Richard Clarke's mea culpa to the nation and the families of 9/11 confused many people. "Your government failed you. Those entrusted with protecting you failed you. I failed you." What the hell was that? Encyclopedias were consulted. The Capitol was all a-dither. Nobody could pinpoint exactly what happened. Residents of D.C. haven't witnessed anybody apologize for anything since the OG, original George, of the Washington variety, with that whole cherry tree deal, and even then, rumor has it, dad had to pry it out of him with the business end of a blunderbuss.

But now apologies are the rage, and the fabric of our nation is at stake. Soon folks may be knocking each other down running around the capital apologizing willy nilly into open microphones. Imagine the ugliness that could ensue:

Former President Bill Clinton, for, well, you know.

Senator Trent Lott, just for his hair.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for smiling all the damn time.

Vice President Dick Cheney for running the country, not telling us, and not doing a better job.

Commerce Secretary Donald Evans for criticizing John Kerry for "looking French. Yeah, right, and he smells like a tax cut, too.

Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Seventies.

Condoleezza Rice just for her hair.

Talk show host Larry King for those darn suspenders.

Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Eighties.

Former President Jimmy Carter for his brother Billy.

Governor Job Bush for his brothers Neil and George.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush for not slapping George around when he was little.

Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry for sharing the same planet with Jane Fonda.

One thing you got to say about the Bushies: They sure are consistent. Al Gore? Liar. Campaigned with his pants afire.

Department of Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who had the audacity to criticize the Administration in these tenuous times? Obvious liar. A dastardly turncoat Democratic mole who betrayed the good people of this country for purely political reasons.

Richard S. Foster, the accountant who claimed he was...