Apocalypse Newt.

• Author: Feldman, Michael
• Position: Satire on House Speaker Newt Gingrich - Column

And on the Hundredth Day shall be opened the Seventh Seal, being the limitation of terms to seven; and upon passage all manner of pestilence shall come to be loosed upon the House, from ornamental filigree coming to life to the eyes of paintings of distinguished gentlemen rolling even as spittle issues from the busts of former Speakers.

And as ever more unspeakable acts of legislation come to pass, shall there all of a sudden come a rumbling as if from the very bowels of the Electorate and with that a groundswelling; just then the Mighty Lincoln shall be seen to rise from his seat of stone and walk again in the strides of a giant to reclaim his Party; tramping through the vintage of Congress, crushing beneath his marble boot Representative Dornan, who seeth him not for the C-SPAN camera.

Many shall be the implorings, and myriad the calls for public hearings and compromise, but they shall fall upon stone ears, while talking points shall stick in the throats of the unctuous.

And while the White House shall remain unavailable for comment, the Great Lincoln shall stride to the podium to pluck and carry off the wriggling Newt spewing sound bites now unheard amid the clamor and wailing, even as the Great Emancipator sniffs and probes with great amusement the tiny thing in his massive palm, crossing with it over the Ellipse amid the tumultuous din of sirens and automatic-weapon fire from the general direction of the Heritage Foundation, and, thence, stony to the general pandemonium, to the base of the Washington Monument now spewing great globules of magma crashing in fiery waves upon the heads of lobbyists, talk-radio hosts, and Republican freshmen walking together to lunch, even as school-children there to protest lunch cuts are left untouched and...