AMERICA'S PEP TALK.

• Author: Farsad, Negin
• Position: HEMMING AND HAWING

All right, America, this is your pep talk. It's the bottom of the ninth and the bases are loaded. Is that when baseball coaches give pep talks? I need to rewatch A League of Their Own.

Okay, scrap that. It's just before the fourth quarter and a bunch of dudes are in a locker room, looking sweaty and defeated. Wait, is there usually a break before the fourth quarter when coaches do a pep talk? Ugh, I need to rewatch Rudy.

Okay, never mind, the score is love-love... er, no, it's deuce but it's the deuce right before match point. What I'm saying is, America, we're at a sensitive point!

We've got this vaccine and a bunch of willing arm fat to jab. But we don't quite have enough of it, and we don't have enough actual physical locations where arm fat can get jabbed. (These, by the way, are all technical vaccine distribution terms.)

We're worn out from tiresome elections that are getting more and more expensive. And yes, there are so many more ways to spend that money-like on education, or food, or cargo pants for everyone in America. (That's right, multitudinously pocketed pants for everyone in the country would be a better use of money than the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on Georgia's media market during the special run-off elections.)

Everyone is mean. Everyone. Liberals talk down to conservatives. Conservatives think liberals are evil. Someone is gonna be mean to me because I didn't use the phrasing "some liberals" and "some conservatives." But think about it: Was there not a moment when you, reading this as a good liberal, weren't at least talking down to conservatives in your head?. Everyone is mean.

Lawn signs get stolen. Rallies-which are supposed to be fun and energizing-have turned sinister. Everything is a signifier now. Going for a stroll might signify that you're against climate-change-inducing cars. Going for a drive might indicate that you're against transportation alternatives. Turning up your heater might mean you're against energy efficiency. Taking your dog to the groomer might mean you're an out-of-touch elitist. Eating a cupcake might mean you're against apple pie!

No one is allowed nuance, and no one is allowed to deviate from ideological purity. We're all sweaty and defeated in the locker room that is America. Parts of the locker room have prairie land, other parts have forests or strip malls, and some parts...