We have families, big families--ten or twelve kids each--and we have affairs. These are not good-natured lonely housewife trysts. These are full-blown, get-my-fix concerns, replete with sadomasochism, foot fetishry, and every other nasty way two (or more) people can entwine themselves. The relationships can be dealt with. The kids drive us crazy.
"Everybody blows here" my son says, "and you're not even my real dad."
"Did your mother tell you to say that?"
"Everybody says that. I'm half Chinese, for chrissakes."
I was the leader of the compound. It's a wonderful little bunker at the edge of Idaho where we grow our own food, make our own whisky, and watch our children model behavior. Sure, I had plans. I added my slogans to the Betterment Wall. Then, like every leader before me, I was the victim of a smear campaign; people actually asked for my head, literally to be served on a platter. Of course it didn't come to that, and times were shaky while we sought a new leader, which can bring out the worst in people. The adults are all used to it, but the upheaval can be rough on the kids.
We have a slogan for this, when a leader gets real pious and then inevitably falls. The third saying from the bottom, written in all caps across the Betterment Wall, says: IT'S YOUR FAULT, IS EVERYTHING YOU NEED.
We have a slogan for everything in our society. All for the betterment of our members who succumb to all sorts of arrogance, pornography, anorexia and all her sisters, denial, codependency, alcohol, depression, repression, and sex addiction of every kind, which leads to the above-mentioned affairs. Of course all the above are really symptoms of the chronic affliction we all strive to free ourselves from, which is our addiction to the American Dream. Our most important slogan, written at the top of the wall reads: MY AMERICA DIDN'T LOVE ME ENOUGH.
So, now here I am, packing my plans for the new Eggplant Parmesan Rotation and Distribution System, the Wife Swapping Rules and Regulation Reform, and my crown...