All in the Handshake.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Comedian Will Durst sizes up the presidential candidates - Brief Article

I want to thank the greatest folks in the country for coming here tonight. First, let me say, I know you have concerns. Let me assure you: So do I. As a matter of fact, your concerns are my concerns. And with the grace of God--our good, loving, and Christian God--we will find the answers. Together. Because we're in this together. And together we will find the good.

We need more good in this country and less bad. Much less bad. And taxes are bad. And so is crime. Families are good and so are veterans. And health care. Health care is good. But only good health care. Bad health care is not good. Bad health care is bad. And bad health care is what my opponent is trying to give you.

Not me. I know you want less government control of your lives, and so do I. And once you vote for me, I can control that control. For good. Not bad. Because I'm a reformer who can reform the bad into the good. Bad reform is worse than no reform at all.

I bet you're tired of people promising bad reform just as you must be tired of all this negative campaigning. Not as much as me, my friends. I am so sick of these negative ads my opponent is airing, when he's the one who was saved from being a convicted felon through an illegal payoff.

I will tell you the truth, my friends: He is a liar who lies about lying, and I refuse to stoop to his level of negativity, which is why you should vote for me and not him, the mudslinging phony reformer.

Thank you, folks. And may God bless America.

* Oakland, California, where George W. Bush held a rally at an airport Hilton with hardly a black face in attendance. In Oakland. Next thing you know he'll make a stop in Minnesota and attract an all-minority audience.

You always hear claptrap about inevitables in this life. Such as:

* If man were meant to fly, God would have given him wings, or at least a smaller butt.

* Babe Ruth's single-season-home-run record will never be broken and neither will his single-seating-hot-dog-eating record.

* Strawberry Quik will outsell Chocolate Quik.

* Bill Clinton will be forced to resign in disgrace, and Linda Tripp will be hailed as a national hero.

* Hillary Clinton doesn't...