Advanced aging.

• Author: Rundles, Jeff
• Position: RUNDLES [wrap-up] - Column

Flipping through my newspapers the other morning, I found one of those AARP registration packages as an insert, and at first I was amazed. That seniors' organization, I thought, was really pushing it; normally they just mail these things to people turning 50 and then hound them through the mail ever after. Then it dawned on me: What a great idea to market in the newspaper--any newspaper--since it's pretty clear that only seniors actually read newspapers anymore. This also explains all the print advertising I see for hearing aids, retirement communities and sexual-performance enhancement schemes.

And since newspapers have become targeted-rather than mass-marketing vehicles, the editorial has changed as well. I read with interest a newspaper story about the English character actor Tom Wilkinson ("The Full Monty", et al) where he was described as decidedly "middle-aged," having turned 60. Those of us in that neighborhood appreciate the ever-widening meaning of that term.

I mentioned this to my daughter, who promptly said, "That's right! Sixty is the new 40 - mostly because you can't retire anymore since the market crashed." This is heartening since, when I actually got my own AARP card a few years back, I then described 50 as the new 40. At this rate I will actually be middle-aged longer than any American in history.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

That's good, too, because l, and many of my generation and perhaps the following two generations, will need the aging leeway. Just a few years ago I was lamenting that I will be among the very few baby boomers who won't be able to retire at any reasonable time, but all of a sudden I find myself in vast company. I've been very bad at socking away retirement funds lo these many years but, as it turns out, my meager portfolio, invested as it is in the very liquid Serta Perfect Sleeper Bank & Trust, now ranks among world leaders in rate-of-return. The Bible got it wrong: The meek don't inherit the earth, procrastinators do.

The world financial situation hasn't really altered my own personal angst level due to the fact that I never liked Wall Street. But it's ironic...