Litigation in the Living Room

• Publication year: 2022
• Pages: 10

51 Colo.Law. 10 Litigation in the Living Room No. Vol. 51, No. 9 [Page 10] Colorado Lawyer October, 2022

DEPARTMENT

WELLNESS

BY KERRY MCCARTHY

Any good relationship book, pod-cast, or newsletter will tell you that communication is key to a successful relationship. Buthealthy communication doesn't come as easily when our emotions are driving the conversation.^[1] For those who have been trained to argue for a living and who spend their careers preparing for litigation, it may be much more difficult to use healthy communication with a partner or loved one during conflict.

Lawyers are known for effective communication, and their focus and drive when pursuing an outcome that's best for their client is unwavering. In litigation, for example, there's a spirit of "win or lose" that often entails high stakes, fast-paced and intense depositions, and time-consuming trial prep. At trial, from opening to closing statements, litigators present their arguments with confidence and strength while undermining those of the opposition. These adversarial skills are practiced and perfected in court, until they become deeply ingrained and second nature. But they don't lend themselves well to conflict resolution or relationship repair with friends, family, and other loved ones.

This article offers some techniques that lawyers can use to better communicate during conflicts with loved ones at home. Fortunately, the conflict resolution skills we use in our living room can also improve our litigation skills.

The Gottman Method

While conflict is a part of any relationship, many struggle to communicate effectively about their feelings and needs with their partners.

Couples often fight about the same things over and over again.^[2] The arguments may look similar—fighting over the budget or chores around the house—but a deeper issue lingers below the surface, unresolved. For instance, one spouse might tend to nitpick the other's purchases, causing the couple to argue about who buys what and when. But the underlying issue might be that the spouse views their partner's spending as a lack of commitment to the couple's shared goals.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman created the Gottman Method to help couples like this improve their conflict resolution skills and address the heart of their issues without creating gridlock. The method draws on their 40 years of research and clinical experience with more than 3,000 couples.^[3] Research suggests the Gottman Method is an effective way to improve marital relationships, adjustment, and intimacy.^[...