Men and Women in Divorce: Contrasts and Similarities
| Publication year | 1991 |
| Pages | 2071 |
| Citation | Vol. 10 No. 1991 Pg. 2071 |
1991, October, Pg. 2071. Men and Women in Divorce: Contrasts and Similarities
Attorneys who understand the issues facing men and women who seek legal counsel concerning divorce are better able to help their clients navigate the process more smoothly. This article focuses on some of the difficulties that men and women confront as they negotiate divorce.
Divorce is a psychological process which affects all individuals involved: the married couple, their children, their parents, friends, neighbors and co-workers. Divorcing couples and those around them experience stress, fear, upheaval, loss, anger and mourning. The divorcing couple lose more than just a relationship. They may lose their source of nurturing, a support system, time with loved ones, familiar surroundings and economic stability. They are in massive transition.
There are many intrapersonal and interpersonal experiences unique to divorce. Beginning at the time of separation, the intrapersonal elements of divorce include emotions such as anger, depression, anxiety, panic, mourning and loss. Behavior, thoughts and emotions which could be considered "abnormal" are not unusual for a divorcing person during this time of severe stress. The interpersonal experiences common to divorce include a change in family structure and its ongoing effect on extended family relationships and social networks.
While both men and women must confront painful emotions during the divorce process, some issues are experienced differently by each sex. Through the mid-1970s and into the 1980s, most of the research on the effects of divorce studied women and children. Women were more likely to seek help and to talk about their situations, experiences and reactions. Children were studied because of the enormous impact of divorce on their functioning. Children's varied problems brought them into contact with clinicians, such as school counselors, social workers, custody evaluators, psychologists and psychiatrists.
Not as many men took advantage of existing treatment programs to address and work out their difficulties. However, recent research has established that men are at equal or greater risk for emotional difficulties as women.(fn1) The three most common emotional reactions to divorce---anger, anxiety and depression--- are explored in the sections below, as are specific courses of action for dealing with male and female clients. Understanding of these reactions will help family law practitioners differentiate the causes of the emotions and their potential effects on the legal process.
Divorce is a process, not an event.(fn2) By the time divorce clients walk into an attorney's office, they usually have been involved in a marital deadlock for some time. Marital disillusionment begins with the realization that differences exist that cannot be resolved.(fn3) For the divorce seeker, great stress already has been felt in arriving at a decision. For the spouse who is left, shock and denial are common responses. When the decision to divorce is made, a period of great physical and emotional stress begins.
Many times, it is more difficult for men involved in divorce to come to terms with the dissolving state of affairs. They have a tendency to deny the reality of the situation and to act in ways that minimize the gravity of what is happening. For some men, this takes the form of "foot dragging," procrastinating and cooperating poorly with the unfolding legal and emotional process. This denial and the anger that often follows are, in part, functioning as protective mechanisms that help mitigate the painful psychological experiences.
Women generally have similar reactions, but they mobilize differently when
facing these stresses by beginning to seek information or help and to network with others. A woman's openness in sharing feelings with others often gains her support and relief. In contrast, men often feel isolated because, in general, their only significant emotional connection has been their spouse. Even if this connection has been tenuous at best, it often is the only emotional connection they have. A marital breakup, therefore, reveals a man's isolation and his deficit in the skills necessary to meet his emotional needs.
One of the primary reactions to divorce is anger. Anger is not all bad. It serves...
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