The honorable representative from Ohio will now beam up: James Traficant's greatest Trek hits.

• Position: James A. Traficant Jr. - Brief article

Millions of Americans have used the Star Trek lexicon to describe our own harsh universe, but few have done so as faithfully as James Traficant, the colorful, corrupt Democratic representative from the Buckeye State, who peppered his 17-year-mission to Washington with continuous rescue calls to the Enterprise. In 2002, Traficant was convicted of bribery, racketeering, and other charges, and began serving an eight-year sentence in federal prison, whence there is no beaming up.

On the Awakened Giant

"China is now taking $100 billion of cash out of our economy, buying missiles, and pointing them at us. Beam us up, all of us."

On God and Satan

"When the U.S. Army allows Satan in one door and will not allow God in the other door, America is so screwed up we do not know where we are going. Beam me up, here."

On The Vagina Monologues

"What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation. Beam me up."

On Old...